Since I was young I have been fascinated by old movies featuring the typical gypsy fortune teller. And I have loved this image with all of its magic and mystique ever since. So I was so excited to dress up and hand out candy. I took a photo of my garb in all its glory. Then upon seeing this image I was instantly saddened at what appeared before my eyes. Look at this fat lady. My goodness how did I become so wide? I was horrified at my now scary costume.
I have struggled on and off with weight gain since high school. I started putting on pounds in 7th grade. You can see that my face was becoming fuller in the school photos. I was a solid size 16 in ninth grade. I lost some weight by tenth grade and even more when I entered the military before my eighteenth birthday. I was a skinny 130 size 10 at age nineteen. This was soon to change as I married and had my daughter in 2000. I was about 190 give or take during my last month of pregnancy.
I did what all new mothers do and tried to shed those post baby pounds. But I wasn't very successful as my routine and lifestyle changed. I was now a stay at home mom and the pounds stayed put. When I returned to work in 2005 I dropped weight to hit 170. And after changing jobs to something more sedentary the pounds started to creep on. This is where my journey to my scary costume photo began without me even having a clue.
My father passed away suddenly of a heart attack in 2006. I put about 10 pounds on. My family and I did an abrupt move to care for my mother in 2007 then moved again just a month after. I put on another several pounds. My mother had emergency surgery for cancer in 2008. I went from a size 16 to a size 18. My mother moved in with us in 2010 as her cancer returned and was terminal. I was pushing that size 18.
A few short years after my mother passed, my daughter became ill and required care for several years until her health returned. I really started putting the weight on. I dropped a few pounds getting down to 217 but another abrupt move with loads of stress led to more weight gain. I was in the 230's in 2015 and 2016. I hit the 240's by 2017 and by October of 2018 I was 262. You would think that I would have noticed my weight gain, stopped eating garbage in massive portions and exercised, but no. I was so distracted by life that the pounds seemed to occur overnight.
So what does this photo say to me? It expresses pain, sorrow, stress, resentment, guilt, hopelessness, disappointment, and a thousand other words. I had eaten to compress my emotions for over 20 years. And no I never put the puzzle pieces together for an ah ha moment until I dressed for Halloween. It's a sad reality that so may people experience. It is just recently that I sat down and took the time to discover how I came to the place I am today. I am an emotional eater. I have been since middle school age. Coping with food to deal with school bullies and multiple moves by consuming after school bread and butter sandwiches sprinkled with sugar. Multiple servings of dinner. Food celebrations for every event under the sun. And now I have to get control now before my weight makes me sick or even worse ends my life prematurely. I am fortunate that I do not have diabetes or high blood pressure. However I have had knee and hip pain, low energy, mood swings, etc that are likely due to my weight and diet.
So January 2019 I decided I would not look like this wide load in October of 2019. I started the Keto diet. Bought myself some tools and started to lose weight. So the next time I take a picture the thousand words that come to mind will be more positive. Perhaps they will say hard work, healthy eating, stress management, joy, pride, determination, etc.
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