One Day At A Time

If you are triggered by talk of depression please don't read any further. Take care of yourself. This post is a personal reflection of how someone without depression sees this illness and expresses personal opinions of such. I never really understood what depression was or what it looked like. Though to my surprise I had seen it before in my mother, it is still a mystery to me.  Sure I have had deep feelings of sadness over a loss of a loved one, a beloved pet, a friendship that unraveled, or a personal failure of some type. But I always shed my tears, took a nap, gorged on carbs and sugar and moved forward. But when someone close to you experiences depression you realize it is more than a deep sadness. It's this gnawing monster that lives inside of a person and they have to battle this beast daily. Some days are better than others, but I know when the monster is strong, those days are the worst. And this is looking on from the outside. I see the struggle to be strong. I ...

I remember this little book my mom kept that recorded my school memories, photos, and it had a space for writing in what I wanted to be that year. Each year this changed. One year I wanted to be a ballerina, a cowgirl, a firefighter etc. When I was in about fourth grade I made plans with my friend Elizabeth that we would both marry and live in one big house and rasie our families together. By middle school I didn't think much about my future, as I was being bullied terribly by a girl named Erica. She made my daily life at school a misery. Once we moved Erica was long gone and I made new friendships. By this time I was in 7th grade and all I could think of was dating and high school. High school arrived and I started to dream of writing comic books in New York or working in animation for Walt Disney. I started dreaming again. This is the beauty of youth, you dream, you aspire to become something. By seventeen I entered the military after being uncertain about choosing a major in...

This blog has been a variety of things since its creation. It started out as research for a job. Then became a personal journal. But I always enjoy using it to express myself and let out my opinion or emotions out and onto the virtual page. It has been too long since I used this outlet for my self, so here goes nothing. I have recently discovered that I am wandering through my life without a compass, map, or guide. I have spent the last 20 years of my life just wandering. I have had no real sense of purpose or direction and this never bothered me until now. It's like I woke up from a dream and was like where am I? I am approaching 40 years of age. I currently am a housewife and trying to accept the fact that my daughter is rapidly approaching adulthood. My husband is driven daily by his side business and my daughter is dreaming of traveling abroad in the near future. I personally feel lost. should I go back to work outside the home? I really have no desire to go back to school o...

If I knew what motherhood, marriage, and working for living was really like as a teen I would have been dragging my feet on the path to adulthood. But no matter what you know or don't, life simply happens. You get a job, you fall in love and get married. You are blessed with a child or children. What was once your life to live becomes a life lived for those you love. You wake up for night feedings, clean up spilled juice, and become a taxi driver. You try to squeeze in date nights, yoga class, and all those appointments. At the end of the day you're tired. And sometimes you wake up feeling tired. There seems to be little to no time for yourself anymore. Does this sound familiar? When I was 19 I took every Thursday to pamper myself. It was my personal spa day. I would give myself a mini facial. I washed my face, exfoliated, and used a face mask of some sort. And after wards I always felt like a million bucks. Something so simple made me feel great every time. But after I g...

I am deeply saddened that so many people are unhappy in their lives in part due to other peoples opinions. People take the hurtful comments of others to heart and these words and feelings lead to a great deal of emotional torment. It is a terrible way to live your life. It has taken me several years to understand that what others say about me has no impact on how I see myself, unless in fact I see myself the way they do. When I was a pre-teen and into my late teens I was teased what is now called bullying about how poor I was, with one girl asking me if I pulled my new sneakers out of a trash can. I was teased about facial hair, with boys saying I grew a better mustache than them. I was teased over my dental fluorosis with a girl asking me if I had ever brushed my teeth, and later taunted by boys, with one asking me out and saying as if I would ever date you. Meaness for sure. Years later as I grow nearer to age forty I look back and think, oh how mean. But I have learned t...

To all the feminists I will likely offend with my opinions in this post, I am sorry. Let me start by saying I am proud that women have stood up and fought for the rights that we are privelaged to today. As a woman I am thankful that I can work and earn an income for my family. I am proud to be able to vote, to drive, and to let my voice be heard. However, I really don't like the whole women are equal to men thing. When you start looking at the definition of equal it leads to the word same, which we all know women and men are clearly not the same. Aside from our physical differences their is scientific proof that our brains work differently. We each have our own areas of strength and weakness, and I accept that. I am proud to be a woman and would not want to be a man, even if I had the chance. I have been married for sixteen years and have seen how myself and my husband handle a variety of life issues in our own ways. From solving money issues to raising our daughter, our opini...

My last post was created when my daughter was in a relationship and she had that strong hope that "he" was the one. I'll admit I even liked the kid. He seemed kind and level headed. He told me how much he cared for her and then suddenly he booked. He just ended their relationship and it was done like a puff of smoke. Needless to say my girl was heart broken. This young man said all the right words. Those powerful words that a young woman wants to hear. I love you and forever. How do you help to heal someones broken heart? I have told her she is young and has many years to find the one. But I also understand what it is like to be a teenage girl. You have these romantic thoughts about finding your soul mate. I never dated that much as a teen. I was overweight, had an imperfect smile, and came from a home where money was scarce. I was far from popular and had my fair share of teasing. I had plenty of crushes which I didn't tell anyone. I never approached any of them....