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Self Searching: What Am I Doing with My Life

I remember this little book my mom kept that recorded my school memories, photos, and it had a space for writing in what I wanted to be that year. Each year this changed. One year I wanted to be a ballerina, a cowgirl, a firefighter etc. When I was in about fourth grade I made plans with my friend Elizabeth that we would both marry and live in one big house and rasie our families together. By middle school I didn't think much about my future, as I was being bullied terribly by a girl named Erica. She made my daily life at school a misery. Once we moved Erica was long gone and I made new friendships. By this time I was in 7th grade and all I could think of was dating and high school. High school arrived and I started to dream of writing comic books in New York or working in animation for Walt Disney. I started dreaming again. This is the beauty of youth, you dream, you aspire to become something.

By seventeen I entered the military after being uncertain about choosing a major in college. I had no real direction in which I wanted my life to go. After a few years in the service I met my husband and our daughter was born. After leaving the military and becoming a stay at home mother, my husband and I decided once she was old enough to begin school I would start a job. So once kindergarten began, so did my first job. I enjoyed working. I enjoyed meeting new people and friendships with co-workers. But I never found my place, my calling.

I have had around eight different jobs since leaving the service. And though each one was a learning experience, none ever felt like it's what I have been meant to do with my life. Now as I approach the age of 40 and my daughter nears adulthood, I am questioning what am I doing with my life? Is there something I should be doing with it? Should I go back to work outisde the home? I am feeling lost as who I was in my teens and twenties is no longer who I identify with. My religious preference has changed. The things I view as important have changed. The way I see myself as a woman as a human being has changed.

So how does one begin to know the who, what, when, where, how in their life? I guess this is where the new year is taking me. 2017 is my year of self searching, rebuilding, and realizing what I want to be in this life. I am still young and healthy and have many years to experience a whole other chapter. So cheers to a new year, with new experiences.  Let the journey begin.

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