We are about five months in to mom's diagnosis of terminal cancer. Hospice visits weekly and mom's pain is finally beginning to be controlled. She is also on a steroid now which has her buzzing about and eating every food that contains sugar. She says that if she doesn't have her ice cream she starts jonesing. She cracks me up. Her spirits have lifted and she has been spending more time with me and talking a lot more. I am beginning to feel at ease and more comfortable with life as we now know it. I fear to fully let my guard down as I know it will not stay like this forever. I am just thankful for the positive turn around and to have my mom back, even if it's for just a short time. A childhood friend of my sister's just found out her mom had a cancerous tumor removed and that she must now have chemo. I read all of the prayers on face book and I want to say positive things for her but I am still so unsure and un-trusting of this devastating disease. I do hope with all of my heart that the chemo helps prolong her mom's life. It is the most dark and fearful feeling to know that their is this living growing tumor inside my mom's body that I can not do anything to stop. The end we are told could be three, six, twelve months away. As I said we are five months into diagnosis. May God just grant me a little more sand in the hour glass before I am left without a parent upon this Earth.
If you are triggered by talk of depression please don't read any further. Take care of yourself. This post is a personal reflection of how someone without depression sees this illness and expresses personal opinions of such. I never really understood what depression was or what it looked like. Though to my surprise I had seen it before in my mother, it is still a mystery to me. Sure I have had deep feelings of sadness over a loss of a loved one, a beloved pet, a friendship that unraveled, or a personal failure of some type. But I always shed my tears, took a nap, gorged on carbs and sugar and moved forward. But when someone close to you experiences depression you realize it is more than a deep sadness. It's this gnawing monster that lives inside of a person and they have to battle this beast daily. Some days are better than others, but I know when the monster is strong, those days are the worst. And this is looking on from the outside. I see the struggle to be strong. I ...
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