My mom had lung cancer in 2008. I flew down and stayed with her after her surgery and she seemed to recover and life was back to normal. The pain however never went away for her and it has continued to get worse. Her living arrangements changed and she asked to move in with me and my family. I thought, its a squeeze but come on in. She's my mom and she needed a home. Well after six months of doctor visits we find the cancer has returned and it has spread. Stage 4. I wasn't in shock because as an avid researcher all signs pointed to it. But the shocker was in the news that it can't be treated. Surgery and chemo are not the option now. Radiation can help retard the growth and prevent internal bleeding. The news became harder to swallow yet. Then Hopsice comes into the picture. I always thought hospice was for the elderly. My mom is only 57. Her hair isn't even white yet! Mom's Hospice team came in like a set of swooping angel's. So much compassion in one room is really something difficult to explain. I have never seen so many people focus with love and care as they have. And this is within the first two days of our meeting them. I held in my emotions until they asked how my daughter is taking the news and the flooding tears began to fall. My tiny little 69LB mother hugged me and said its going to be okay. How is it that she is comforting me when I should be the one who stays strong for her? I hope I can grow stronger for her, because it is difficult to even ask her questions like how do you feel about your diagnosis, or are you scared? I don't want to cry as I fear she will cry. I have hopes that her pain can now be better managed and that perhaps she can enjoy a walk beside me as the fall leaves change color. I hope she can sit beside me and chat without having to excuse herself to lay in bed until the heating pad calms the pain. I have not prayed in quite some time and have felt bitter and distant. For the first time since Easter I have prayed for hope, strenght and guidance through this frightening path of the unknown. I know that other people are out there who have gone through this situation and are going through this with me. My love goes out to you all!
This blog has been a variety of things since its creation. It started out as research for a job. Then became a personal journal. But I always enjoy using it to express myself and let out my opinion or emotions out and onto the virtual page. It has been too long since I used this outlet for my self, so here goes nothing. I have recently discovered that I am wandering through my life without a compass, map, or guide. I have spent the last 20 years of my life just wandering. I have had no real sense of purpose or direction and this never bothered me until now. It's like I woke up from a dream and was like where am I? I am approaching 40 years of age. I currently am a housewife and trying to accept the fact that my daughter is rapidly approaching adulthood. My husband is driven daily by his side business and my daughter is dreaming of traveling abroad in the near future. I personally feel lost. should I go back to work outside the home? I really have no desire to go back to school o...
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